Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   He's Trump, not Moses. He can't part waters. Blaming him for the Texas flooding is complete nonsense.

   Why are you all still shooting off fireworks? It's July 8th for crying out loud! One of them flew off course and almost hit my Christmas tree!

   My idea of camping is a Motel 6 with a broken ice machine and no cable.

   If casual sex exists that implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

   A fun Independence Day depends on your number of dependents.

   "Diddy be giddy cause he be founded not gitty!" - The Ghost of Johnnie Cochran

   I had White Castle for dinner tonight. It was so good my butt gave them a big blowout review.

   Panties aren't the best thing in the world. But they're next to it.

   I'll never understand people saying "Rest In Peace" when someone dies. Of course they're resting in peace. They're dead.

   Hey, Dawn. Show us how well you clean dishes. We ain't got no oily duck.

   If you're unhappy with summer heat, remember this... you never have to shovel sunshine off your sidewalk.

   Envy, laziness Envy, laziness, and incompetency gave birth to communism.and incompetency gave birth to communism.

   The law says I can't drive with an open container, but it says nothing about jello shots!

   A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 150 feet, but I can only walk so fast.

   Hamas is not what it used to be. You can see they don't have the money anymore. Instead of 70 virgins, martyrs now get a gift certificate to Olive Garden.

   Quick Question: Does swimming in debt count as cardio?

   As an adult, I use nunchucks way less than I expected.

   no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.

   How do members of Isis practice safe sex? A. They mark the camels that kick.

   What's up with refried beans? Once should be enough.