Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the heck's the point man?

   A new study just came out that shows that hurricanes named after women are more deadly. Mainly because when they leave, they take half your stuff.

   My neighbor man came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.

   Ten should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy...

   Remember, if you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

   Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

   I regret getting the vaccine. I am now having too much fun and spending too much money.

   My back doesnt start hurting until I put on my work clothes.

   One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

   This morning I removed my sleep shorts and put on my boxer shorts and then put on a pair of normal shorts. Worst short story ever...

   If you're cold, stand in the corner. It's usually 90 degrees

   Being a man means doing what I want, when I want, and not having to answer to anyone. This is my…...sh*t she’s coming. To be continued.

   it strange how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how strange it is?

   I was going to tell a railroad joke, but I lost my train of thought.

   Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

   Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

   So, you people disrespect restaurant food service workers. You also say $2.13 per hour is too much and if they don't like it they should find another job. Now, your local restaurant is closed. Cry me a river.

   Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?

   You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

   Up for anything unless my gout flares up. – from my dating profile