Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You Matter. Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy.

   CDC just announced dudes can stop wearing skinny jeans.

   Dear Hulu, Disney, Apple, Netflix, Amazon, CBS, NBC, and everyone else trying to create a streaming service: we’re not going to pay for eight of these, work it out.

   If you’re suddenly surprised that COVID was made in a lab after conspiracy theorist have been saying that for the last 16 months, just wait until we “circle back” to the election results.

   Funny how these cyber attacks only happen to industries Biden is trying to shut down…. Gas/Beef

   Sometimes you meet someone, and you know from the first moment that you want to spend your whole life without them.

   The CDC just announced that you can stop wearing socks with your sandals.

   The most blatant way to flaunt wealth, is to shoot a box of ammo at a plywood target.

   Anyone know how to get a club soda stain out?

   Pride day is a month long, yet Vererans day is only one day....Please explain

   I wonder if clothes in china say made around the corner

   Just found a $20 bill in the dryer that must have fallen out of my pants pocket. Looks like I'm guilty of money laundering.

   The U.S. uses a 60Hz electrical system. England uses a 50Hz electrical system. This is because the U.S. revolted in 1776.

   The New NHL teams name is The Seattle Kraken .... Their fans will be known as Krak heads

   DWI attorneys would be smart to buy ad space on Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

   Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

   If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

   I'm smart enough to know that the Canadian 'sludge' in the Keystone pipeline was going to the Gulf of Mexico to be refined into gas, as Canada has only a few refineries of their own.

   If a woman marries a man who already has grandchilden, does that make her an Instagram?

   A new study found that drinking pop is just as bad for your teeth as using meth. However, pop is still less likely to make you live under a bridge with a guy named Snake.