Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Britney's free and we could start dating now!

   foods contain ingredients such as iron, potassium, calcium, etc so I'm going to start calling my dinner table my "table of elements"

   What kind of quack doctor prescribes an odd number of pills for OCD

   Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

   Am I allowed to say that fish are dumb or will people say it's some sort of animal hate speech.. I have been struggling with this for months

   got a great deal on tampons... anybody want any they are a $1.00 a piece.. no "strings" attached..

   Imagine the horror of being the first person to ever fart in a yoga class

   If you can't be a good example, at least be an excellent warning.

   My parents encouraged me to become a foreign exchange student until they learned I would eventually come back.

   95 and Hazy today, kind of like Bernie Sanders

   There is no logical reason why summer shorts should cost the same as long pants.

   The problem with this country is that too many people say they want Justice when what they really want is Revenge.

   I say we legalize all drugs at the Olympics. Let's see how fast these MF's can run!

   Well it's July and almost 100 degrees. Walmart should be putting the Christmas stuff out any day now.

   Why do ballerinas always stand on their toes? They should hire taller ballerinas...

   Soccer: A game so simple-minded they can teach roosters how to play it. 🐓

   I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

   Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

   If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

   Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.