Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you get to be my age, older women interested in younger men are no longer classified as Cougars. Especially in my case. They're more like Laughing Hyenas.

   Irony: Justin Bieber starts selling weed and rapping. That still doesn't make his music worth listening to.

   Here's a fun math trick. Let's start with the number 100. Now take your age. If you believe anything that QAnon spews, subtract your age from 100. You now have your IQ.

   I just had a bowel movement that was more forced than the interview portion of Jeopardy.

   I preferred “meta” when it was attached to “mucil.”

   My dog brought me a stick he retrieved from over 150 yards away. That's pretty far fetched.

   These days when I say I’m “hittin it,” I’m talking about my pillow.

   Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

   My friend Suzanne & I used to babysit her nephew Rocky after he was born. I remember when Rock was young. Me and Suzy had so much fun.

   What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

   I can’t afford to see a chiropractor, so I just lie on my back and slide down the stairs like a cartoon.

   it took bruce willis 130 minutes to realize he was a ghost and you expect men to notice a haircut.

   My four favorite things are my boyfriend eating my sister and omitting commas.

   Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

   Me in my 20’s: Naive af. Me in my 40’s: Same af.

   Welcome to adulthood. You now try to tolerate people just enough to avoid needing to get the legal system involved.

   What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.

   Life and beer are very similar... chill for best results.

   Kids, don't knock on my door saying 'trick or treat'. You better say 'chicken or beef' bcuz I'm handing out noodles.

   Debating if I should clean the inside of my refrigerator out. Or just unscrew the light bulb.