Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A farmer friend of mine is really upset today. His wife sent him a Deere John letter.

   My wife basically has two problems: Nothing to wear and not enough closet space.

   Personally, I don't believe in Bros Before Hoes or Hoes Before Bros. There needs to be a balance. Sort of a homie-hoe-stasis.

   Epstein sells girls and his bank accounts go untouched. But Canadian truckers and the My Pillow Guy get shut down?

   I spent 15 minutes changing my oil and then 20 minutes strutting around my garage thinking, "Sheeeeyah. I know what I'm doing."

   I got mood poisoning from work....has anyone else had that problem?

   A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all of your keys at the same time.

   Trudeau is having his goons physically harm Canadians and steal their money, all in the name of protecting their health.

   God does love gays, but only if they are tops.

   Being in a relationship means being able to solve problems together; problems you would not have if you were single.

   OK, OK! I can't take it anymore. I let the damn dogs out, all right?

   The fact “gorilla” doesn't rhyme with “tortilla” really infuriates me.

   I can't seem to find my "Gone in 60 Seconds" DVD. It was here a minute ago.

   My wife asked me if I knew what her favorite flower was. Apparently Gold Medal was the wrong answer.

   If they can get their student loans forgiven then I want my car loan forgiven. ALL LOANS MATTER!

   I need to find a hobby that does not include my debit card.

   Ever have Chef Boyardee Ravioli and a can of corn for dinner?

   There was another kidnapping at a local a school today, luckily the kid woke up!

   I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives....

   Who in their right mind would actually eat secret document paper? Has to be a fat person.