Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Spring is here so that means I'm over my seasonal depression and can go back to my regular depression.

   There's a problem with Kinect for X-Box... If I wanted to use my entire body to play sports... I would just play sports.

   I was in a porno movie once. I played the role of the husband who left for work before the pool boy showed up.

   Adult videos gives young people an unrealistic idea of how fast a plumber will come to your house.

   Dear W0KE, jerk-offs: I'm a wh¡te, heterose×ual, Christian male who owns a business and more importantly, knows to mind his own business. I suggest you do the same.

   You think the world-wide pandemic was bad? Wait until the world-wide food shortage starts! It's all about control...

   Don't accept a friend request from Dan Druff. I hear he's a bit flaky!

   Can’t party the way I used too. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m whipped.

   there a rehab for gossiping? I don't need it, but I'll tell you who does

   I came home today to find my wife has been on Ebay all day long... If she's still on there tomorrow, I'd have to lower the price.

   Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace

   If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover

   I’ve got to think of a way to get off this planet by tomorrow

   what's everyone's favorite gas price? mine is $2.29

   The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

   I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

   I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.

   Does anyone find it the least bit curious that those ghay pedophiles known as priests live in a place called a rectory?

   Hey gurl, speaking of lickity split, whatcha doin later...

   You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.