Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore, steal covers or pass gas.. and I only pee if something startles me.

   When I was a kid, I had a rich friend whose snooty mom was too classy to buy Hamburger Helper. She bought Ground Beef Assistant.

   No one takes swearing under oath seriously these days. What a slap in the face to God.

   Listening to Johnny Depp talk is like watching a turtle wade though quicksand.

   Go ahead and get that tattoo, your family is already disappointed.

   Dog: You know that feeling you get when you do something wrong and you feel so bad about it that you can’t think of anything else for the rest of the day? Cat: no.

   My cat taught me that you can get whatever you want, if you’re completely annoying.

   Don’t forget to pay your taxes, so they can send pallet loads of cash to corrupt countries, while you hit the same pothole driving to work every day.

   Welcome to Disney, where dreams we approve of come true.

   How do you get a country girl’s attention? A tractor.

   How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.

   My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

   Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

   Dear Federal Government gun buyback program : I have performed a background check on you , and Based on your history of violence and atrocities , I cannot sell you a gun.

   There have been a lot of snake sightings. You might also check in your phone contacts as well...

   When she got a boyfriend but she wanna know ya name ~ side nigggaa

   The quicker sniffer upper ~ Hunter Biden (learned it from his dad)

   If you put trash in your pocket to avoid littering, you’re going to heaven.

   My dad fully dressed all day. My dad when one of my friends come over ~ (in his underwear)

   He said he’d call me back in 30 minutes, it’s been 33. I just can’t deal with his lies anymore.