Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You want my address? Here it is! 1781 Zumbehl Road St Charles Missouri!

   Your home address. Not the address where you give out government assisted blow jobs. Poosy.

   Here you go moron! 400 Oak Ave, St Charles, MO 63301

   I'd believe the asshole if he claimed his address was 6969 Bendover Ave.

   If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the darn snake.

   Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

   Summer is just around the corner. I can tell because the UPS guy asked me to put sun block on his legs.

   Don’t worry if you had a bad day, please remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

   Why doesn't Maury just do the show from backstage? All the women run back there when they find out that none of the 23 guys they tested are her baby daddy.

   You know you're too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree, and then realize it was just your air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror

   I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it