Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I get speechless whenever I see a heavy woman in spandex, usually because my tongue gets tied trying to say "Flubber hugging lady leggings".

   There's someone outside wearing nothing but cowboy boots, a candy necklace and a tiara. Damn. What am I suppose to wear now?

   I was going to go to the gym and run 7 miles this morning to continue trying to look good but then I remembered I own Photoshop.

   We need a set time limit for when people can say "long story short," because it usually comes WAY too late.

   Every time I pour water on myself when attempting to use a water bottle I get sad because even hamsters have mastered this.

   People always demand to know who farted as if they'll decide how disgusted to be based on who's responsible.

   Called my 40 year old cousin in Louisiana and told her she'd better hurry up and get married. There won't be as many fish in the sea now.

   I truly wonder how much better life would be if people were required to fill out a CAPTCHA before breeding.

   Why is it that whenever I'm on vacation I can ALWAYS find a Law & Order marathon on TNT?

   guess there isn't anything to this Global warming, Gores now agree

   I'm going to invent the Facebook Status Flipbook. An animated screen capture collection. Met a new guy (flip), it's only been a week but I Love him (flip), week 2 and I hate him (flip), deleting Facebook (flip), I Love him again.

   Justin Bieber. So easy a caveman can do it.

   they should just put a shamwow on the oil spill.

   Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I die before I wake. Then this will be my last status update.

   wondering if the Phillys and Blackhawks players wives are not shaving either

   With "Lost" and "American Idol" finished what am I supposed to do with my life, I guess I'll go enjoy that hot orange thing in the sky!

   Had Mexican for dinner last night and just used a BP restroom. Let's just say we're almost even.

   I had to separate the Aunt Jemima and the Uncle Ben in my pantry. Ben won't keep his hands off those big flapjacks..

   She had a Coca-Cola body....too bad it was the 2-Liter version.

   I am not a control freak. I prefer the term "predictability enthusiast".