Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is..

   Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right

   Just met one of those people that start laughing at things you said 10 minutes ago....because they just "got it"

   Dry clean only...means I will never ever wash this.

   I can't listen to "Right Now" by Van Halen anymore, because all I can think of is Crystal Clear Pepsi.

   Quit while you're ah

   couldn't get a girl even if he bathed in chocolate and wore clothes made of $1,000 bills

   Today at the NASCAR race they drove around in an oval for about 4 hrs! Next week, same thing.

   I think for just about everybody, at some point in your life, there's one teacher you had a secret crush on. For me, it's my wife's aerobic teacher.

   Please tell your booty to stop calling me! Its over, it needs to accept it and move on.

   Since wishing for more wishes isn't allowed, why not wish for more magic lamps?

   To be honest, I'm just fishing for compliments tonight.

   People who pimp out pick up trucks , is like dressing your little boy up in girls clothes.

   Mosquito: an insect that makes you like flies better.

   Remember: warning labels exist because someone failed at using the product correctly. scary when you think about windshield sun covers and the warning "do not drive while intact"

   just stubbed my toe so hard that I called my ex gf that I haven't spoken to in 3 years and broke up with her again.

   Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?

   The part of "no" that I don't understand is the part where I don't get what I want.

   Dear yellow traffic light, Challenge accepted. Sincerely, a driver running late.

   If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, "In Jesus name, amen,"