Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go

   If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls

   When I was a kid we rode our bikes without helmets and nothing's wrong with us. And you know what else? When I was a kid we rode our bikes without helmets and nothing's wrong with us.

   Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.

   I've decided that I'm an ass man. Don't get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren't as cute as donkeys.

   If every day is a gift, today was socks.

   "Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.

   I wonder how long it took for the Playmates to realize that Hugh's Viagra had worn off and rigor mortis had set in...

   If I live to be 100, I will just make up a reason when people ask how. "I eat acorns every day."

   United States population: 323.1 million. Trinidad and Tobago population: 1.3 million. And they just eliminated us from the World Cup.

   If I was Obama, I would have made my speech entrance by pushing a wheelbarrow with Bin Laden's body in it, dumped it on the ground and said, "We got him." That would've been bad-ass!

   popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $4. watchng ur frends bite into a caramel onion thinkin its an apple: priceless.

   Hey Facebook...if its not broke, don't fix it!! The new photo viewer sucks!

   Dear public bathrooms, Toilet paper holders should turn loosely, nobody wants to wipe their a$s with a handful of confetti.

   I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.

   When a package says "Easy open" I end up using a knife, scissors, hammer, gun and a lightsaber.

   Just saw a bumper sticker that said Distracted drivers crash, hang up and drive. Then I crashed into him because I was reading the sticker.

   I have Big Boobs, I am amazing at Call of Duty, and I can make a really good sandwich, Unfortunately I am a guy...

   Ghetto word of the day: Bishop. My girlfriend fell down, so I pick the bishop.

   I have learned that pleasing everyone is too hard, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake and I like it :-)