Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Excited to be able to bet on the NFL again. I got money on the coronavirus shutting down the league in week3.

   Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

   Every website for a restaurant should go straight to the menu.

   Me: "Hey Siri, why do I always mess things up with women?" Her: "My name is ALEXA..."

   To all 6 of you who like the jokes I post, I do it all for you!

   All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

   How do dragons blow out candles on their birthday cake?

   There are more than 7 billion people on the planet. Can we finally stop calling it the miracle of birth?

   I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it's about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.

   I just received a letter from my crush on Valentine's Day. Well, technically it's a restraining order, but still....

   If life was a YouTube video, Monday would be that annoying ad that doesn't have the "You can skip in 5 seconds" option.

   I married a nymphomaniac. Now after 5 years of marriage, the nympho is gone. And I'm left with the maniac.

   There's no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.

   Am I the only one that doesn't eat all day then binges 4000 calories in one sitting?

   Did you know, Hillary Clinton killed Kurt Cobain because grunge was making pantsuits obsolute.

   ... Well .... For the safety of all in attendance ... I certainly hope the official Olympic Flame in Brazil will be comprised of a gargantuan industrial sized Citronella candle!

   I'm so old I'm still looking for Waldo. F*ck Pokemon.

   All my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

   Saw a hawk swoop down over the highway and fly off with a snake in his mouth and I can't even switch lanes while eating a Twizzler.

   I hope the person who invented the 5-day work week, with only a 2-day weekend, died alone and poor.