Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a "who wants to sleep on the couch" contest.

   I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

   The kids are asking why I'm wearing sunglasses in the house today. Spiked their morning OJ with vodka so we are on the same page.

   My New Years Resolutions for 2019 are to stop procrastinating, to quit leaving things to the last minute, to get things done in a timely way, and to stop expressing the same idea in three different ways.

   I'd like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means "wow that's fantastic." Her texts are so much more fun now.

   This Halloween I'm going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn't answer the door after 8pm.

   When it's late and I can't sleep,,, I curl up with a good book and bang it on my head until I'm unconscious.

   can we all agree if you're old enough to get a job and buy candy, you can't trick or treat anymore?

   Even my imaginary guitar gently weeps at the sight of the last drop of wine.

   Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."

   33,000 people attended Hillary clintons rally/ concert yesterday. I wonder if they received the tickets via email..

   Wonder how many FB friends I will be getting back now that the election is over?

   whelp, let me carry my deplorable ars to bed. . .

   Defense attorney: "They were on their way to choir practice".

   If my "check Fuel" light would just "check my wallet"....It would know there's nothing I can do about it

   Marriage Is Like A Deck of cards, In the beginning all you need is a Two Hearts and a Diamond, As it Progresses You Wish You Had A Club and A Spade

   Wonder if Unemployment will be sending me a Christmas bonus this year.

   Santa is really going to enjoy the cookies he gets from Alaska, California, Colorado, Maine, Massachusetts, Nevada, Oregon and Washington this year.

   they are making new a fast and furious and a new transformers movie. any hope I had for 2017 being a good year has fast evaporated

   So, Mick Jagger is a new father at the age of 73. I guess time really is on his side.