Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's illegal to destroy US currency but my wife just bought a Kia Sportage which is pretty much the same thing.

   For the next week, out of great love and respect, I'm calling my willy Wonka.

   "America Online founder Steve Case actually endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. However, I Bet the last thing Hillary Clinton wants to hear right now is ........ "You've got mail."

   If anyone actually believed the polls, there would be no rioting.

   Your gonna send your kid to school with a Paw Patrol mask and he’s gonna come home with a Spider-Man one cause he traded it at lunch. Next day the whole school will be shut down.

   My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house …without stopping.

   *feeling chest pain* probably need more pie

   Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

   It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

   Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

   I planned to work out and have a nice body for people to look at this summer, but then I remembered I like food more than I like people...

   If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

   He died doing what he loved: Wearing a floral print romper to a biker bar.

   I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my monitor if I leave it idle for 15 minutes. It's my screen savior.

   O.J. Simpson is now available for the next season's Dancing With The Stars.

   Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."

   When I was younger I use to carry an extra pair of panties in my purse in case I got lucky. Now I carry them in case I sneeze

   Don't run with bagpipes, you could put an aye out. Or worse, you could get kilt.

   The buttons on my jeans have started Social Distancing from each other.

   I bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It just craps on the floor.