Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anybody else feel that their calculator history is more embarrassing then their browsing history?

   I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

   I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

   Mrs. Claus: *opens door* you’ve been in here working on the naughty list all day Santa Claus: *fumbling to close his internet browser* I need PRIVACY please

   Friend: I think I smell burnt toast Me: that’s awesome! You don’t have Covid

   I want this Valentines Day to be special.... Just give me a hint.... Tell me what will make you happy..... I’ll do anything.. *me, talking to my dogs

   You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

   Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

   What's better than a 5 hour energy? A 2 hour nap!!

   I can usually figure out many parties I've been to lately by counting the extra lighters I woke up with in my pocket.

   A word to the wise ain't necessary it's the stupid ones that need the advice

   apperently the world is ending today.....just got my surf gear ready....just in case that tsunami decides to come.....have to ride that shyt before I die :D......LOL

   A fool is a wise man's ladder.

   Our inner demons would get along wonderfully.

   I have the need for speed...and $125 for this ticket.

   "There are no stupid questions" - People who have never tried to watch football with their girlfriends.

   TIME SAVING TIP: Don't bother

   Sometimes I look at all this cool stuff I own and realise that I probably wouldn't have any of it if I was married.

   i wish my bottle of vodka could cuddle back :/

   Sex, Food, Sleep, & Poops. General male happiness depends on how good these 4 things are at any given time.