Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Time to take off you Hoser. God speed Bob and Doug Mckenzie 
Bad news, A friend of mine fell into a reupholstering machine. Good news, Hes now recovered.
Reverse cowgirl, cause eye contact is extra.
I wish they would stop making things out of unicorns, , those things are already almost extinct
n’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and another that’s like “I don’t know how to hold a pencil"
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've gone Commando a few times in your life.
If I ever get stranded on a Dessert Island, I hope it’s a Cherry Cheesecake.
Dear History Channel: I remember when you used to have stuff about History. -MTV
I've decided to invest in fine art. I don't really know much about art though; I'm just in it for the Monet.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"
Life's too short to wonder why I have no pants on while hugging you. Don't make this awkward.
Hey if you guys see a chameleon, it's mine. If you don't, that ones mine too.
"Oh no, no, no! I'm a rocket man!" ~ KimJong Ung
Oh baby, I can't wait to get you alone and see what you look like without a mask
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
All the leaves on my yard look like all the lotto tickets I bought in my life. 