Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm trying to get a grip on reality and when I do, I'm going to choke the living snot out of it.

   The point in making a point is to actually make a point,

   Deja poo. The feeling that you've been through this crap before

   What do you get a girl who has everything ? Penicillin

   My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can't help but think that my days around here are numbered...

   The sign at the florist's said, "Say It With Flowers." I go in and ordered one rose. The guy asks me if I'm cheap. I go, "No, I'm a man of few words."

   You never truly realize what you have till its gone. Toilet paper, for example.

   Today reminds me of that old Schoolhouse Rock episode, "How a Bill Becomes an Embarrassing Failure By Paul Ryan."

   Truth is truth. It does not need to be "balanced" and it isn't caused by voting, consensus, polls or by yelling louder or silencing someone.

   Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

   What am I supposed to do with all this coal?

   This bird flu thing is still pretty scary. I spent an hour last night rubbing Vicks Vapo-rub on my parakeet.

   How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

   Pringles chips tubes need to be more like push pops we have the technology

   My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

   IS: We are reluctantly laying off all suicide bombers , due to insufficient crowd sizes.

   I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe

   Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

   Remember when eating tide pods was considered crazy

   I read somewhere that people in the Middle Ages celebrated the end of the plague with orgies. I wonder if anyone has planned anything after this epidemic?