Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If its good, it's wonderful, if it's bad, it's experience...no regrets.

   I think I smoked less before I quit smoking.

   Life is like an FB friend list, people come into your life an present unlimited possibilities. What you do with them is up to you. Some you interact with. Some you don't . And some you say "Who the heck is this person and what are they doing in my life?

   you be very careful out there today, we're at terror alert orange! Which means something might go down somewhere in some way at some point in time.

   I refuse to jump on the ‘I hate Mondays’ bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally..

   Whenever you are having a bad day, keep in mind someone's favorite Batman was George Clooney.

   I wish I'd say "Yes" to an aisle seat. Now I'm at the window, drunk and in charge of the emergency door. In case of emergency, climb over me.

   if you own a body shop and it's not called "Auto Correct", then what's the point?

   Pokemon Go is already more popular than Tinder, another app where you swipe to find monsters in your area.

   How long after shaking my money-maker should I expect a check?

   Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

   If Santa Claus had a FB account,,,, none of us would get presents.

   Putin has an 82% approval rating. The other 18% will be dead soon.

   The only person excited to find out about Hillary's Body Double is Bill Clinton.

   I always close my eyes when I kiss a girl .... Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a heck of a lot more pepper spray in them.

   Do we lazy people go to hell OR do they send someone to pick us up?

   Apparently you will need a firearm license before purchasing the Note 7 replacement

   I work as a waiter. The pay isn’t great but I put food on the table.

   For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep, garden and drive. I think I’m being stalked

   No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you'll get at the way people park in the real word.