Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm having a royal wedding watching party...drinking beer out of tea cups.  Pinkies up....chug chug chug

   Happy Star Wars Day, May the 4th be with you! xx

   WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties

   I hate you cheetos . You ruined all my good jeans .

   Why is it so hard for to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

   Do you think maybe I could save even more than 15% on my car insurance if Geico didn't waste so much f*cking money on commercials?

   My news feed is starting to look like a battle broke out between the Confederates and a skittles factory.

   I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you. They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

   Heard a dad say "Keep rolling your eyes and maybe, one day, you'll find a brain back there." #fatheroftheyear

   83% of GM products manufactured in the last 10 years are still on the road: the other 17% somehow made it home.

   I've dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

   My dad's ability to drive with one hand while reaching back and smacking the right child, somehow always impressed me... Happy father's day dad!

   I've masturbated in the shower so much that every time its rains I get a hard-on

   Saw that Poland just won the country's first gold metal.... they were so happy, they had it bronzed!

   .the world does not revolve around you, it revolves around the sun...which shines out my ass.

   Everyone has an ugly friend. If you don't have an ugly friend then, well... this is awkward.

   I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.

   When Kate Middleton goes into labor, the doctor will say "the baby is crowning!" And they'll laugh and laugh...

   My favorite Star Trek episode is that one where Captain Kirk saves the Klingons hundreds of dollars on hotel reservations.

   I'll never forget the awesome feeling in kindergarten when I had the largest box of crayons with the sharpener.