Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't care what your gender is. I'm going to call you "dude" either way.

   To Kim Kardashian: "They playin' my Jam"...seriously??? I've heard better tunes coming from my ass after chilli n' beer night. Please don't sing any more songs. The only "tapes" you should be mixin' are sex tapes. LOL! Seriously, I'm just sayin'....

   Kinda cool seeing the page count here look like years we know!

   I'm collecting every toy that the neighbors kid throws in my yard, I already have tons of Christmas presents for my nieces and nephews this year!

   when alcohol does its taxes it claims me as its dependant

   Within 7 seconds of meeting a girl, I decide whether or not I will sleep with her. Convincing her the rest of the night is the tricky part.

   Note to the close-minded: different doesn't mean wrong, it's simply right in another way. Appreciate it, rather than punish it with naive isolation

   : Have you ever been the only sober person in a roomful of drunk people? ... Me neither.

   school and life are similar in a way. In school, you learn a lesson and then take a test. In life, you come across a test that teaches you a lesson.

   Good morning I see the assasins failed

   looking into the future. Everything looks good for me. But as for you, you're totally f***ed!

   I laugh in the face of danger, then I hide until it goes away.

   People when referring to a celebrating a holiday say "it only comes once a year". Well, so does every other day. Like, "Hey, its November 22nd! That only comes once a year.

   WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

   The world would be a quiet place if we did that whole "think before you speak" thing.

   Sex is like Jenga: you pull out and try not to make a mess

   The happiest sentence, ruined by one word: I'm getting laid. Off.

   Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

   Censored Snoop Doggy Dogg songs on the radio sound like two AT&T customers having a conversation on the phone.

   Some people would not be born if alcohol was never invented.