Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   was told that if I have to ask how much something costs, I probably can't afford it. She was right so I moved along.

   wants you to know that you have my undivided, continuous, partial attention.

   The best feeling of the day is getting into bed, the worst feeling of the day is getting out of bed.

   You're only young once. After that, you need some other excuse for acting like an idiot.

   I've known myself for 30 years. How am I still able to convince myself that I can remember things without writing them down right away?

   The best part about "liking" someones status on Facebook is all 97 notifications for the conversation below between you and your friends.

   My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

   Its pretty sad I have to put parental controls on Google just to get pumpkin ideas.. Do not Google anything ending with "on a broom".

   Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of dying he sings..

   feels like a TSA agent stuffing this turkey...

   Just saw a movie where gas is $.63 a gallon. I now believe the 70s never actually happened.

   Happy Singles Awareness Day (S.A.D.) Everyone!

   If only plastic surgeons also sold class.

   This has been the weirdest Oscars Awards show ever! Harry Potter was dancing. Bellatrix was singing. And Lucias Malfoy got an award

   I'm already sorry for what I'm going to do this weekend.

   Im not dead I'm just resting my eyes in this shallow ditch.

   You can have anything you want, if you lower your expectations enough.

   I always give 110% at everything I do. Mostly because I'm not very aware of how percentages work. Math is hard.

   anyone who says "I hate to break it to you", can't f#$^ing wait to break it to you.

   I'm not sure why my dog enjoys watching me have sex but I'm sure deep down she's thinking "B itch stole my move..."