Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you can talk your wife into having sex, you could score with anybody.

   starting a dating site for old farts like me calling it carbon dating

   Justin Bieber Bragged That Miranda Kerr "Made Him a Man," Didn't know Miranda Kerr is a doctor specializing in pen*s transplantation.

   Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?

   He died doing what he loved: checking to see if bears are ticklish.

   This is no fairy tale, you lose a shoe at midnight, you're drunk.

   I know it's rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you're unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

   I stay up late every night, regret it in the morning and the next day I do it all over again.

   If it turns out Lance used drugs to beat cancer, I'm going to be so disappointed.

   I was told to not make decisions when I'm angry or horny. apparently, I'm never supposed to make a decision.

   Wouldn't it be cool if cell phones came with tasers?

   Even with a privacy fence, I don't think it is safe for the neighbor woman to sunbath topless in her back yard...I almost fell off of the my roof 3 times last week.

   There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.

   If you think you're gonna get $5000 by sharing a photoshopped photo of Bill Gates you might also want to send me your bank account username and password.

   If I pause my p orn to text you back, marry me.

   if you have a problem with me, call me and we can talk, if you don't have my number, you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me...

   I can never decide whether "Every Breath You Take" by The Police is incredibly sweet, or incredibly terrifying

   Note to the woman in front of me buying a book called, "This Is Why You're Fat" and a Godiva chocolate bar: this is why.

   David Cameron has said that Britain is prepared 4 nuclear attacks from North Korea. David we weren't even prepared for snow in the winter

   We gave you Nickelback and Justin Bieber. You responded with the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo. Well played America, well played