Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   says, "Dear Santa, I know it's a little early....but could you DEFINE naughty?" ;o)

   Whenever I talk to Americans I get the feeling that they just think of us Canadians as "those-hockey-loving-white-Mexicans".

   This weekends forecast; Mostly drunk, Scattered shots, with a slight chance of falling down.!!

   Turn on radio*: "shine bright like a-" *Turns off radio

   I don't get why people find drunk texts annoying. You're the person they're thinking of when their brain can't even function properly.

   Advice for the ladies: Skip the boob tattoo. That cute little tiger you get will someday turn into a giraffe.

   Don't worry, some people are their own punishment in life.

   NEVER trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.

   ..met her ex at the gym. We didnt workout..

   People with dreadlocks either love weed or hate showers.

   I'm white. But I'm not NASCAR fan white.

   Say what you want about Lance Armstrong, but I think being the first man to walk on the Moon is an amazing achievement. They can never take that away from him...

   played golf today...I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...

   I saw a sign in a public toilet the other day. It said 'Please leave this toilet in the condition that you would have liked to have found it in.' So I left it with a porn magazine and a line of coke.

   I am conducting a survey to see who is the most awesome person on Facebook. To find out who it is read the first two words of this status.

   Did anyone else notice that President Obama's new slogan is "Winning The Future"? Which, ironically is WTF.

   tired of chasing his dreams. I'm just going to ask where they are going and hook up with them later.

   never finishes anythi

   hosting a time travel seminar, the first meeting is last week.......

   doesn't have a drinking problem. He drinks. He gets drunk. He falls down. No problem...