Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you find someone who finally understands you, the world will go away.

   I ran out of toilet paper, so I wiped my ass with a dryer sheet. Now my ass is soft, static free, and outdoor fresh.

   Dear man at the gas station, I admire how your mustache begins with your nose hairs.

   She's not a slut, she's just been on more wieners than Heinz ketchup

   My flood preparations go to bed in my swim trunks and tape my cellphone to the ceiling.

   I think its unfair that men and women are not treated equally...It just seems wrong that women can show a lil boobie and get out of a speeding ticket but when I show a lil ball I get arrested...It just aint right

   If they EVER put a DUI checkpoint at a Taco Bell drive-thru, it's safe to say we're all screwed.

   Lady in the commercial for the life alert necklace said she fell. Laid there for 8 hours til her friend came. Why didn't the cameraman help her up?

   I like to wear a parachute on airplanes and act smug during turbulence.

   I've just discovered that I'm neither a lover nor a fighter...I'm an eater.

   In life, we have 2 choices: we could spend our time crying for what's gone or instead we could smile for what's to come. That's for us to decide. Now, 1 thing is for sure. Life still goes on, no matter what. It won't wait for us. Join it or be left behind

   Just received my first McDonald's monopoly pieces. If I can get Oriental Avenue, I'll win diabetes.

   Waking up at 7:00 always seems better than waking up at 6:59.

   I'm not shy. I'm just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouh to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment$ directed at you will immediately spew from within me.

   If it wasn't for auto-tune Jennifer Lopez would be selling rugs and little Puerto Rican flags out of a van at the intersection by the mall.

   In celebration of "Fat Tuesday", I only plan to party on days that start with "T" from now on......Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday! ツ

   I want a girlfriend born on 29 February. Think of all the money I will save on birthdays.

   I woke up one day and your name just didn't make me smile anymore.

   Welcome to "Ticked Off Tuesday". Today's special is bitchy, sarcastic attitude, with a side order of I don't give a damn. Enjoy!

   Jingle Bells always gives me a warm feeling inside. She works Tuesday nights at the Lusty Leopard.