Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   God created stupid people to keep us smart ones amused.

   nothing makes you feel old like that girl your co-workers are ogling at was born when you graduated HS, and her mom babysat you as a kid!

   Dear Governments, when people lose everything they have then they have nothing to lose.. thats how they LOSE IT!

   Mubarak is like one of those guys at the end of the party. However many hints you give him, he just won't leave.....

   Grammar are our friend.

   BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

   the difference between an in-law and an out-law is that outlaws are wanted....

   Then the psychiatrist's gave me the good news: I was going to have a disorder named after me..

   i enjoy long romantic walks to the Refrigerator

   hah... you're going out with my ex? Cool, want my leftover sandwich, too?

   Just once somebody needs to roundhouse kick the person who does the 1$ bigger bid on The Price Is Right!

   There is now an Anthony Weiner action figure. I wonder if has the Kung-fu grip?

   Dear Internet Users, Someday you will regret not reading me. Sincerely, Terms & Conditions.

   Everything is always funnier when you aren't allowed to laugh.

   President's Day was in February you jack@$$...

   Everything is falling apart according to plan..

   A good way to keep a secret from me is to leave it on my voicemail

   The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober

   According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was

   My wife and I have two very different ideas of what 'Sunrise Service' means.