Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme box to work and sit in the break room and watch all the disappointed faces.

   The shutdown is over. Now instead of sitting at home doing nothing the government employees can go to work and do nothing.

   Great News for YOU during these financially challenging times. I found a prostitute who charges by the inch. Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought you might enjoy an inexpensive night out.

   My wife just asked me if I noticed anything different about her hair, so took the easy way out and did a triple backflip into a volcano.

   They should make a reality TV show called, "Jersey Shore meets Shark Week"

   We used to watch the news to find out the truth. If you're looking for the truth now, the last thing you'd want to watch is the news.

   I put the FU in FUN :)

   I bought a pair of "Meatloaf" underwear today..on the front it says "I would do anything for Love" and on the back it says "But I wont do that"

   I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.

   Some people were dropped as a baby, but then there's some that were clearly thrown at the wall

   When I grow up, I want to become a corrupt senator, who's single vote is worth billions in concessions for his home state. Congress--the only place in America where extortion is legal

   You are the kind of a person that we could use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

   I was talking to my friends Tom and Dave and they said " hey, do you know Doug has two a$$holes"? I said "What???" They said "It's true. Today we were walking with Doug and we heard somebody say 'Look, there's Doug.With those two a$$holes'"

   Did you know the ocean gets it's saltiness from the tears of misunderstood sharks who just want to cuddle.

   I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not!

   I clearly like all the music on my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle...then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes

   going to snatch a kiss, or vice versa!

   checking the obituaries for any cool job openings

   I find it funny when people mention 'boys toys' I think of gadgets, cars, consoles. But when they mention 'womens toys' I think of vibrators, nipple clamps and whips

   A man went to see a psychiatrist, wearing only Gladwrap shorts. The shrink said, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."