Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Actors in movies kiss each other for like 10 seasons and don't fall in love but when someone likes my profile pic, I think about it for like 5 months.

   St Patrick's Day taught me a valuable lesson, I'm not young enough to drink anymore.

   Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up. .

   3 things I don't like: 1. Focusing on things I don't like 2. Lists 3. Irony

   Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.

   I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.

   I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose's ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

   I don't have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that's followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

   Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

   Went to bed with a can of pringles, woke up and finished them. Always finish what you start.

   Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you've observed [On a date] Me: You're really good at eating

   Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

   Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber? Me: Misread the brochure I have.

   My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

   Co-worker: What's the difference between astronomy & astrology? Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

   All I need is to hear those 3 special words “Want a sandwich?”

   Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

   Welcome to your 40s - you now think every car has its brights on.

   Remember, if you tell people who you voted for, it won’t come true

   The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it's just my cat food.