Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering how women on tv desert islands always have perfectly shaved legs & armpits? I mean, there's no chicks in 'Lost' kicking around in mohair stockings...

   Ah...the old "saran wrap over the groundhog hole" trick. Gets'em every time!

   Facebook Commandment IV: Thou shalt not post music videos more than a quantity of 5 within a half-hour period lest you drive thou neighbors to drink.

   Super Bowl Weekend!! Should I wear my shot glasses or beer goggles??

   I feel like a million bucks today! Just wish I had luck finding a bank that will accept self esteem as a form of payment

   "No, ladies, you can't play with us, but you can dress like sleazy and encourage us." The guy who invented cheerleading.

   Man with one foot on 'yesterday' and one foot on 'tomorrow' will end up pissing on 'today'.

   Some open minds should be closed for repairs.

   I have decided that I am going to win the Nobel Peace Prize, and I don't care who I have to kill to do it.

   Everyone has that one special person in their life who keeps them looking forward to another day. If you don't then maybe that special person is yourself.

   If somebody does a backflip, they automatically become a bada$$.

   Don't you wish common sense would make a big comeback.

   that akward moment,when you go to a public restroom and the seat is warm!!

   Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.

   What I wouldn't give for one of those push button secret trap door pitfall things in front of my desk today!

   I hope I never get Alzheimer's... I hate the thought of other people thinking that I should be remembering something that I'm not sure I would want to remember in the first place.

   would like a minute of your time dear friends...I'm collecting them in order to create an extra hour for me to sleep!

   At least Bin Laden doesn't have to watch dancing with the stars anymore

   Sometimes Karma does not even want to get involved, it just wants to sit and watch because it knows, sooner or later, they are bound to screw up all by themselves.

   Today I met a FOOL who has both, his girlfriend and her mother as friends on his Facebook.