Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Teacher: John why did you bring your cat to school today? John: (crying) I heard the postman tell mom "when the kid goes to school i'ma eat your (CENSORED).

   hoping to be abducted on Monday and set free on Friday...I know its a pretty wishful thinking.

   The Internet: Where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI

   We met on Christian Mingle,, and our baby was born 6 months later

   When a woman says "He used me for sex". It really means 'I only had sex with him to get something else out of him, but it failed'

   It's better to have loved and lost.........than to have stayed with the witch.

   got a sweater for Christmas ... he really wanted a moaner or a screamer 

   Since I'm now single, if I broke my hand could I put "it's complicated" as my relationship status?

   Marriage is the opportunity to inherit an additional dysfunctional family, just in case the one you have wasn't enough.

   I feel sorry for Justin Bieber, everyone picks on her.

   Instead of “lol” I put “lsimhbiwfefmtalol” Laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud.

   Ahhhh,,, At last, my wife has found something her butt does not look big in............... Walmart

   Come on now, this is not a politics platform. This used to be a fun place dammit.

   If your teacher puts 2x + 5x2 ÷ -8 + 21 on the board & tells you to "solve the problem"...get up, & erase the board. problem solved b*tch

   there has to be a woman out there thinking to herself right now..." man I wish someone would pick me up like a bowling ball"

   I like my women how I like my coffee, between my legs as I drive.

   Just got a belly piercing. It's a mistletoe, I don't want any confusion on where I want your lips this Christmas.

   I was talking to a nice young women last night, she asked me if I like breast or legs. I told her what I really like is a nice shaved snatch. Apparently I'm not allowed in KFC anymore.

   if you're 40+ and never married, just say you're divorced so people won't think there's something wrong with you...

   International Women’s Day……Cause it’s not like you want attention on any other day…