Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you say "I shouldn't be telling you this" at the beginning of a conversation people will pay attention to you.

   When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.

   My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face ..... I love Sharpie markers.

   ....... Rise of the Machines!!!! I just got replaced by a freakin Robot!!!! Well ... Technically my wife bought a vibrator but I still call it a Freakin Robot!

   I've decided I'm going to stop getting stressed and start causing it instead.

   My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea. They’re not the best medicine in the world, but they’re right up there.

   I live in constant fear that Columbia House is going to send the repo man to get the cd's I never paid for .

   As a kid, I often thought how cool oit would be to read other poeple's minds. Then came social media...I'm totally over that.

   Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.

   Tough part of being vegan is getting up @ 5 am to milk the almonds...

   I puked in the backseat of my friend's brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1994. There wasn't any social networking back then, so I'm telling you now.

   Tony Romo threw in the towel today, even that was intercepted.

   I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

   I would be more of a people person at work if HR would agree to day drinking.

   Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

   It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them......the police call it indecent exposure but whatever.

   Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.

   Learn to fight like your the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!

   I've got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I'm gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.

   I'll be doing book signings today at Barnes & Noble until they kick me out for writing in random books.