Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of.... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation..

   I've come to the conclusion that the things I most desire in life are illegal, very expensive, fattening, bad for my health, too young for me, or married to someone else.

   Are robots really not able to click those "I am not a robot" buttons? Then we got pretty dumb robots

   I just apologized to a chair for walking into it. Let's focus on my manners before you judge my sobriety.

   Anyone remember when it was normal for kids to go outside & be gone all day, but parents wouldn’t know where you were, just that you better be home when it is dark?

   First rule of Fast Food management: Always put the employee with the worst accent on the drive-thru.

   If my kids knew the oven had a light, they'd leave it on too...

   Whenever I ride on an enclosed water slide I can't help but wonder if this is what it would feel like to be flushed down the toilet

   I'm always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

   it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?

   Wildlife Fact: In the wild, otters can go for days without checking their phones

   Happier than a Goth Girl being carried off by a flock of ravens.

   sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that

   I’m just saying, if the ice cream truck can play music, the garbage truck could too.

   What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

   I can't believe some people's survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper.

   Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

   Someone just told me I wasn’t as dumb as I looked and now I’m confused, was it an insult or a compliment?

   Just so we're clear, the Grinch never really hated Christmas. He hated people which is perfectly understandable.

   Marriage tip #39 your wife won't start an argument with you if you're cleaning