Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remembers when the only fake news was the National Inquirer

   Just pulled on a nose hair and one of my pubes disappeared.

   I need a leaf blower, but for people.

   Honestly, it's not the way I look that reveals my age. It's my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.

   You can’t play it safe and have fun; but with fun, there comes a price.

   I saw a hipster wearing socks because it’s so cold.

   The people that are trying to make the world worse never take a day off, why should I? Light up the darkness.

   Now that the government has re-opened I guess I have to stop removing these mattress tags

   Word of the Day: Intaxication - That brief period of euphoria you feel between receiving a tax refund and then realizing it was your money to begin with.

   This is Assumption Club. I think we all know why we are here.

   They say "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." The problem is, I can't tell the difference anymore.

   Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 3.1x

   It's really ironic that I mostly use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.

   America: the only country in the world where not wearing a seat-belt carries a bigger penalty then letting hackers steal 143 million citizens social security numbers, bank info, drivers licenses and credit cards...

   Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

   With the way 2020 has been going I couldn't decide last night if I wanted to sit outside to watch the meteorite shower or take cover.

   How many instruments must you be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

   Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

   Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think I’m finally ready to get rid of cable TV

   My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight