Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I see myself as one day being an old man in an assisted living facility crushing my pill cups with my bare hands to impress the nurses.

   Has it occurred to ANYONE that if you can organize that many people to protest, you can organize that many people to clean up you community and get rid of the criminal element causing the problem? Where's that rally?

   Whoa whoa, calm down Swiffer commercials, you're just a wet paper towel on a stick .

   Hey, If American women are outraged at a presidential candidate's use of Naughty words .... Who the heck bought those ... 80 MILLION COPIES OF 50 SHADES OF GREY????

   80% of electricity is made from fossil fuels so how are electric cars saving the environment??

   The spread of the coronavirus is based on two factors. 1) How dense the population is. 2) How dense the population is.

   If intelligent people don't start procreating faster than the trash in “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” we're all heading towards a very dismal future. Am I the only one seeing this?

   The gas pedal is my therapist.

   And for all of you who are Telepathic...............

   You want to save a shtiload of money next Black Friday??? Stay Home!!!

   Nothing makes me want to leave a web page more than a popup window saying, "Are you sure you want to leave this page?"

   You know its true love when she makes you wanna stop deleting your browser history.

   As a kid, I thought convention delegates were just sign-waving idiots in silly hats & pins, but as an adult, I see I was a perceptive kid.

   Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

   Ironically, the kind of people who queue all night to buy an iPhone 5 have very few friends to call when they get it.

   I love when my boss catches me actually doing work.

   I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.

   Remember before the internet when people ate food and didn't need to tell everyone about it?

   Relationship Advice: The person with the longest text message response time has the upper hand.

   Getting older means telling the grocery store checker the full story behind every item you buy.