Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Statistics say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

   I just got that call no man wants. From my ex wife...

   Do you want to be right or happy?

   Dear Curiousity: Just please put down the gun and let's talk this out. -The Cat

   Nutella flavoured toothpaste... *steps on stage*... *collects million dollar prize*

   Colorado has the best Chicken Pot Pie.

   Valentine's Day special: Half dozen condoms for sale. Expire on 3/2014! $4 or best offer. I doubt I'll need em.

   You called me "Honey." You brought me dinner. You met my family. And now you tell me you are just a waitress doing your job?

   So happy!!! My wife just told me she wants to have sex tonight, so while she's out, I'll get some PS4 time.

   actually "Deez Nutz" isn't that far away from holding up "the rear" of the pack

   I think I might have an eating disorder. I got out of my car this morning at work, saw a pile of leaves and thought they were potato chips.

   From now on, if we text longer than a week, we better fall in love. If not, you paying my phone bill for wasting my unlimited texts.

   To see my family over the holidays I have an appointment book. Just so there is no fender benders.......

   You'd think there were more UFO sightings with all these action cams and camera phones.

   I wish I loved anything as much as fat chicks love to tell people that Marilyn Monroe was a size 12.

   Me: Siri, why hasn't he texted me back yet. Siri: Calling Pizza Hut.

   Walk around like a secret agent. Hand cuff yourself to a briefcase and take public transportation. . .

   if you use "tbh" and then someone calls you a ©unt. They are right

   I slept like a log last night. Woke up this morning in the fireplace.

   I saw a pretty girl and asked her "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven" She jumped in and said "That's an old line." I told her "you didn't let me finish... I was saying "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven, like Satan?"