Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Whatta ya want for breakfast? Burnt toast and a rotten egg. Burnt toast and a rotten egg? Whatta ya want that for? I got a tapeworm and that's good enough for him! 
I don't care about self driving cars. . . What I really want is a self FLYING car.
Bae, I got you bae. -Sonny & Cher 2014
I'm so glad I don't have to hunt for my own food. I don't even know where sandwiches live
Ladies, If a guy mutes the volume during the Super Bowl when you sit down next to him, you need to do one thing. Marry him.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting for defrosting on my microwave and it said "wrong button".
It's not that I can't stand people who attend the University of Florida, it's that I can't stand the red-necks who love the Gators.
Freddie Mercury has replaced Elvis as the go to star for Boomer ladies.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave me: oh sorry does my lobster smell co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Do you guys blow on your food when it’s hot, or do you hashafashasha til you can chew it?
Monday is Memorial Day. I plan on showing my grandsons how to eat corn on the cob typewriter style. The hard part is going to be explaining a typewriter. 🌽
The Seattle Supersonics are offensive to snails and turtles. 😛
You think your having a bad day? Clams are getting chowdered. CHOWDERED.
All those exercise videos are worthless, I watch them over and over and not even lost a Kg
Daisy Dukes make my General Lee stand at attention.
If I can’t taste myself on your beard when your finished, then your not done licking.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
With our election choices, I now know how hard it is to be a gold digger!
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Don't forget that the guy who's the reason for the season loves you! And I don't mean Sam Walton. 