Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you see a Snowden movie directed by Oliver Stone, do the theater ushers hand out tin foil hats instead of 3D glasses?

   Angelina Jolie filing for divorce? Maybe I have a chance this time. Anyone have her number?

   I'm so jazzed .... It's obvious that Angelina DID get that letter I sent her claiming my undying love for her!! Still trying to figure out why it took her four years to divorce the Scmuck tho.

   I once saw Tony the Tiger and the Trix rabbit having Chex. It was grrrrrrross.

   Hey ... Does it mean anything when you see an elderly woman hobbling out the back door of the Presidential Debate Stage door crying and screaming vulgarities and met with a limousine driven by Huma Abedin?

   Good luck listening to 80's music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

   Remember when Saturday morning TV was all great cartoons? Now it's just porn. That might just be my TV, tho.

   The major cause of a divorce is the marriage.

   We can be the kind of people who put daffodils in vases. Or we can be the kind of people who leave ants outside.

   Everyone is talking about the royal wedding but life isn't a game of thrones

   Play boy no longer have nude models...... What is this world coming to.

   I never go to bed with ugly women. But somehow I wake up with them.

   Getting married is the second most popular thing we do in our lifetime. Getting divorce is the first.

   Did you know my people invented the Toothbrush? If it was invented by anyone else, they would have called it a teethbrush.

   Your Nano died? No biggie, just recharge it. Oh. You said "Nana", didn't you? Damn.

   My wife used to be a size eight. Now she's a figure 8.

   9/13 Happy birthday Milton Hershey, thank you for the Hershey bar. Also is Scooby Doo day.

   Time heals all wounds, so if your uninsured, get a watch!

   Come on people, does your vote really count? Or is it just a big con?

   with or without you, I'm still going...