Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A guy is walking between two skyscrapers on a tightrope. Another guy is on a date with Amy Schneider and their clothes just came off. At the same time, the guy on the tightrope and the guy with Amy have the same thought: "Don't look down."

   IDC WHAT ANYBODY SAYS, it will always be naturally funny whenever the song Promiscuous comes on in a grocery store...

   I don't understand people who take a hundred selfies and then pick the best one to post. I mean how do they roll in real life if they look like the other 99?

   My prediction for the upcoming week: You will have many WTF moments.

   As a kid I was always wearing shoes too big and didn’t know why until one day I remembered my childhood and my dad saying - walk a mile in mine.

   besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

   It's sad old people won't live to see time travel, because how bad do they want to find the jerk who carpeted over this beautiful hardwood?

   I’m opening a bar called The Office. (You’re welcome guys.) “Be home soon sweetie, I’m at The Office”

   Just because you wear a bow tie doesn't mean you're G A Y, but it sure does keep people guessing.

   ... Hey ..... My kid didn't have Child Safety Seats when growing up ... And look how well he turned out!!! He invented the Child Safety Seat and is now worth $187 Million ..... #SmartLivesMatter

   Just got up to go to the bathroom and realised I left my work ID swipe card in my jacket. Found the jacket, checked the pockets. Found it. Then realised I didn't need my swipe ID to use the bathroom AT MY HOUSE....😑

   I'm beginning to think Donald Trump is considering gathering all of his Vice Presidential candidates together in a secret place and have them fight to the death to prove their loyalty?

   This is a shout out, to those of you on the toilet right now reading this... Have a good dump. Seriously.

   Just took the "What Dungeons and Dragons Character Are You" quiz and I am a dungeon.

   When is the Olympic participation awards ceremony?

   Ryan Lochte looks like he has a trophy case for his medals and a separate one for his Adrian Grenier autographed DVD of the Entourage movie.

   Yes Comrade,, In America, No one owns a smartphone, the smartphone owns you.

   The More You Know: Jesus loved trees not cake, that's why on Dec 25th we have Christmas Trees.

   A guy tells his daughter to remove 2 words from her vocabulary. She asked which 2. He says, "one is gross the other is awesome." She goes, "okay what are they?"

   All I'm saying is a nacho bar would go a long ways towards earning that bigger tip, Uber drivers.