Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?

   I see the new iPhone 11 is coming out and if you'd like a sneak preview of it just take a look at your iPhone 10 and pretended it cost $750 less.

   We used to hang lace panties on our rear view mirrors, now it's face masks. Men what have we become :P

   For Sale. Slightly used Christmas tree. Prefer to do socially distance exchange and will place in front of house for you pickup. Leave money in neighbor's mailbox.

   I still can't believe some people's survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper.

   How is Peter Parker selling pictures of himself dressed as Spider-Man any different from onlyfans

   Sure, daylight can be saved tomorrow, but only if it accepts Jesus as its one true savior.

   Let the comedy circus begin..........American elections!

   Sir it would appear that you have sugar poisoning.... "You mean Diabetes?".. Ooh look at me, I'm a patient that knows all the diseases, ooh

   Tried practicing Fruit Ninja in the kitchen, ended up playing Temple Run with my wife chasing me like an Angry Bird

   My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's really pissed that I beat him to it. Heck, I'm not stupid .... I put mine up three years ago!

   Purina hung up on me. I suggested mouse flavored cat food.

   I just ate a whole jar of expired mayonnaise!

   Try this yourself. If you take two fingers and push your cat's ears down he will look just like Yoda.

   I'm going to say goodbye to some of you now. Let's see you reads my page. If you are my friend click like and copy and paste this to your fridge.

   The guy standing in front of me should probably step out of line and go grab himself some sort of antidiarrheal medication. All he had to do was sneeze for me to be pretty sure that he has the stomach flu...

   My gums are throbbing, someone somewhere just spilled their whiskey!

   I speak several languages besides English: British, Australian, Scottish and Welch.

   distance can be so cruel when you love somebody

   I don't go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time...