Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dog keeps chewing on my sofa and two arm chairs. I think he may have a suite tooth.

   My wife texted me that she was not wearing any underwear. When I got home she was mad at me because I hadn't done the laundry in three weeks.

   My wife could not deside who to marry me or another guy who proposed to her. So she tossed a coin. I lost.

   We squint at the sun because it's bright. We squint at people because they're not.

   In two days my optometrist promised me 2020 vision.

   Come join the world wide movement called "I pledge to bend over and pick up a random piece of garbage on the street or wherever I see it" movement. Like and share if you like to join!

   I think it's great that they're going to send a woman to the Moon which will be one small step for mankind one giant leap for women.

   My dog ate an entire bottle of Tums. I freaked out, so I called the veterinarian and asked him what I should do. He goes, "Take him out for Mexican?"

   [reviewing security cam footage to see what's eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it's me

   "A trail of clothes leading up to a bedroom before marriage ment a night of pashionate love making. Now it means you dropped them on your way from the dryer.

   A man broke a Guinness world record by walking barefoot on a 120-foot path of loose Legos. This beats the old record set by every dad getting up to use the bathroom at night.

   Everyone needs a backup man. My husband: plan. The word is plan

   My retirement plan is hoping that a really rich dude with a fat fetish offers me a million dollars to sleep with my wife.

   Taking things to the thrift store. But first I have to drive around with it in the back of my car for the next 3 months.

   [at work party] Hey Bill...weird, have you always been a scotch guy? Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

   Hello Hello Hello Is there anybody out there? Just nod if you can hear me, is there anyone at home?....Oh wait I forgot everyone's home, never nevermind.

   Last night was amazing out dancing and singing with all my friends together celebrating the end of the Coronavirus!....until our garbage truck outside woke me up :/

   Your boyfriend/hubby is always beating you up and you say its "Gangster love",no its not,its WWE SMACKDOWN....you dating John Cena!?

   If a gynecologist uses an instrument called a speculum, does a proctologist use an instrument called a reculum?

   Just found a $5 bill in the dryer that must have fallen out of my pants pocket. Looks like I'm guilty of money laundering.