Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

   You are busy telling someone’s daughter that you can’t breathe without her... Is your family aware that you are on life support?

   I will never insult my ex... That idiot was once my happiness!

   I've learned so much from my mistakes... I'm thinking of making a few more...

   Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you cant laugh at yourself, call me...i'll laugh at you..!!!

   Trying to find a name for your child really exposes how many people you have met in your life that you now hate

   My daughter says she can't wait to drink coffee and stay up past 9:00 so don't ever forget we are living the dream here, guys

   Kinda wanted to watch IT, but I realized I’m broke. So, just gonna look into this mirror instead.

   mechanic says the weird sound I hear in my car is me sighing

   I still remember the day my father promoted me to general disappointment.

   Fun fact: Daylight saving time is almost a 100 years old. It was enacted on March 19 1918.

   I was always told, "KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS!" And ever since I received that sage advice, I've never lost my house or car keys!

   I took some bad medicine and have been out for a while. What did I miss? Is Kanye president?

   My doctor told me to stay off sugar until I’m done taking the meds he prescribed, he has 28 twitter followers, what does he even know?

   Forgetting to switch off your alarm on a day when you’re not meant to go Work is an invention of lucifer himself

   I only drink on days with a "T" Tuesday, Thursday and Today

   Life is short..... Unless you're married

   Good morning to everyone except if your name starts with S, just like my ex’s.

   So whats are you all doing tonight? - Using social networking for what its intended for.

   My bar buddy ask me have you ever made a decison without knowing all the facts? I said I sure have....... I got married.