Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now pretend I said that sarcastically and read it again.

   I have serious problems with intimacy and first impressions and friendships and strangers and everything else.

   Netflix removed my 3 year old's favorite movie. THE APOCALYPSE IS NOW!!!

   Apparently calling your wife, who thinks you're at work, while you're standing outside the living room window and asking "have you seen any clowns outside" isn't very funny.

   Happy National Day of Predation.

   Nothing makes me feel like a kid again quite like waking up in drool.

   If one despises losers, and one is a loser. Does that loser despise them self ?

   I'm working hard to become free... I'm over half way through my Halloween candy already.

   I left the FrisbeeIsm cult. They just used circular reasoning.

   So do we all have the same automatic spell checker? Or am I his only Facebook friend?

   On new year's eve, tonight while counting down the last 10 seconds, Lift yout left leg so you start the new year out on the right foot, making all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions! Happy new years guys! Be safe, please. 😘

   All this beer drinking I do gives me a hangover. It's really noticeable when I stand sideways.

   So PETA is putting down pet cats and recruiting hot babes to protest naked...I guess I need to take the protest against them to a new level.

   To the people who have smoke alarms: Where’s your sense of adventure?

   When you believe everything is a conspiracy theory, blame 8t on psychosis.

   Kids in middle school showing off their double jointed appendages is the original weird flex

   [laying on the couch this morning] Wife: I’d rather shave my poison Ivy covered legs and douse with paint thinner while listening to Nickelback. Me: ...a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine.

   Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it's so nice meeting people who don't care how they look

   Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars - might recommend.* *mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

   therapist: you suffer from social isolation me: oh no therapist: you just need to talk to people me: OH NO