Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m not really sure how to get petitions started but I’m a child of the 80’s and want my reboot of The Wonder Years. Shot the same way the original was shot,

   God created the world in 7 days, but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I'm a big deal

   China Travel Tip: If You're mugged by a chinese guy don't even bother reporting it to the Cops. They will probably narrow it down to some 53,000 suspects which will give you a bigger headache than you already have

   Chicks from the hood make the best mixed drinks .... chick made me a apple ciroc & juicy juice & called it ''WIC ON THE BEACH !''

   When I first met my wife she had a little heart tattoo between her breasts. Now it's her belly button.

   COP: someone's been cutting everyone's christmas lights but not yours ME: I have no idea why a crustacean- I mean person would do that [my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

   If you can read this, you're going to be pretty disappointed in what I "got you" for christmas.

   All my friends just got fired from the rodeo. It was a real Cowboy boot.

   I wonder if the hats, which were made in China, are infected with the coronavirus?

   ALL STREAMING SERVICES SHOULD BE FREE AT THIS TIME!

   After 32 days of quarantining, I'm officially a f@t cu^ t.

   They say the Ugliest parents make the most beautiful babies .. Damn girl your parents must be Fugly

   I go around at night knocking the little lead pieces off of people's tires at night. I own the tire shop up the street.

   United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, cry like a baby, leave as patient.

   You are catching up to the cool people, Happy Birthday!

   My newest pet peeve on Facebook lately when someone asks for a suggestion on hotels restaurants vacations spots etc.. google it you lazy/dumb F$)&tart.

   Working in a crematorium is a sure-fire way to urn a living.

   Welcome to the Resistance, Scaramucci. Better late than never.

   Just heard that both the FBI and DHS have both dedicated 80% of their assets to investigate the Terror group responsible for Donald Trumps Hair!

   Sticker given to Trump supporters at the polls: "I Voted" Sticker given to Hillary supporters at the polls: "I Rigged"