Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I imagine after the pandemic when people start socializing again Facebook is going to be about as popular as Myspace.

   Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

   If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

   Did you hear about the new squirrel diet? It's just nuts.

   Happy to say that I'm losing weight like crazy! And if you want to know how I did it logout of Facebook.

   Land of the free, home of the Whopper.

   Looks like everyone has staycation the week 4th of July. Party animals, huh?

   I'm not reading between the lines, I'm reading the lines.

   Never judge a clown until you've walked a mile in his shoes!

   If football games begin with a kick-off, why don't hockey games begin with a puck-off?

   The inventor of the helicopter ejection seat has died from severe headache.

   James Woods' agent dropped him, but Scott Baio's agent has already found him a role as a Sandwich Artist at Subway.

   Demi Lovato is doing a remake/cover Amy Whitehouse's REHAB

   What does verizon and a port a pot co. have in common. They both give sh*tty service.

   People spend a fortune on insect proofing their houses and buying fly-spray..then eat in the garden?

   "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember ... *thinking ?!? " Not Twain.

   A Prostitute new to the game was told by her pimp “No sex for the first 7 days..just wanks!” She asked.. “Why only wanks?”..her pimp said.. “Union rules!..you gotta work a week in hand!”

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

   For the ladies that cook bacon in a microwave you aint gone never have a man...

   "Anybody can throw a slant" except maybe University of Florida