Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently answering "Dust!!" when your partner asked what's on the TV wasn't the correct answer.

   just Who is Donald Trump's campaign manager now anyway???

   Just found out the Tooth Fairy isn't real!!! ... Dammit ... So much for my retirement plan! BTW ... Is Bernie still running? .... He's my backup plan B. If not ... That lady promising me lotsa free stuff will have to do. She can also print money right?

   Ok, This ridiculous Pokémon craze is getting out of control, but if you ladies insist on playing, I have a giant Pokémon in my pants. His name is Squirtle...

   there a Pokemon Stop? I'll get that one.

   I think it's funny how "go to sleep " and "do parkour" sound exactly the same to my kids

   If you are on fire, my advice would be to get off fire.

   Found a pin that said "WWJD?" in my hotel room. I'm having a dilemma because I'm pretty sure cocaine and strippers isn't the answer.

   Why aren't Cadbury eggs available year round?

   Someone was blocking the grocery aisle with their cart, so naturally I walked over one aisle to get around them like an adult.

   Stupid dog keeps eating the cat food but I don't have the heart to tell her it's not actually made out of cats.

   It's pronounced PokeMON. Not PokeMAN, grandpa. You've completely ruined this baptism.

   Are they acting like a real debate?....TeamTrump having a slow start

   Bought some prescribe pills to improve my memory. But I keep forgetting to take them.

   As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.

   The mandatory mask rules are preventing fire breathing dragons from defending themselves. Please vote Pro-Dragon.

   Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

   You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

   One of the most cherished memories of Christmastime at my house when I was a kid was my mom putting out even more towels that I wasn't allowed to use.

   Don't forget to wave smile and wish your neighbors a Merry Christmas who are kind like Facebook friends you might not really know either, but live closer.