Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wonders why passing dog walkers insist on introducing their dogs to each other, when the animals clearly act as if they want to tear out each others' throats.

   Ozzie Guillen is going off the rails on a crazy train........

   cleverly diguised as a responsible adult

   The worst thing about a bore is not that he won't stop talking, but that he won't let you stop listening."

   looks like I wont be updating my status anytime soon..

   can't seem to finish anything that he sta

   My next car is a Bentley*. [* conditions apply]

   A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine...

   wondering if Sugar Daddies get anything for Father's Day?

   I went to have Botox, the surgeon said to me "That's $8000 dollars please" I couldn't even looked shocked.

   all I want is a comfy bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

   An Englishman walks into a bar. The American knocks him out, takes his girlfriend, and lives happily ever after. The end.

   Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they will all think your on drugs!!

   I learned two valuable lessons today: 1. 2. Write down valuable lessons before you smoke weed.

   I'm buying 100 Gyro-bowls for Christmas. I'm tired of spilling my vodka when I stumble out of the bathroom. who wants one?

   The thing guys want most for Christmas: A portrait of themselves in a karate outfit, leaning against a sweet Trans Am.

   "Eh....I'll wait for the next one." - Procrastinating Lifeguard

   I remember when I was young and couldn't wait to grow up so I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted... Ask me how's that working' out?(OK,hun. I won't forget the trashman comes to tomorrow.) Gotta go Facebook my chores aren't done yet..

   I need to take a Wikileak

   Right now I feel like that one fry that somehow ends up in the onion rings.