Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I haven't seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he's ok.

   I've never been interrogated, but I have ordered a sandwich at subway, so I think I'm prepared.

   I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

   I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack:)

   please ignore this status, I am standing in public alone and I don't want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am textin

   I have a question for all government officials and anyone who supports SOPA/PIPA. Do you really want to piss off ALL those hackers all at once?

   If you can't spell " Attorney ", your parents should call your school and demand a refund .

   Found a cigarette butt next to the mousetrap in my room. Like he sat there and thought about it.

   You know your tired when your alarm doesn't wake you up straight away, instead it just blends into your dream

   Going to Mark Zuckerberg's house to move around all his furniture and see how he likes it!

   I see debt people.

   Tuesday on 'Ancient Hoarders' - A concerned Jerusalem couple fights to save their son Noah from his spiraling animal collection.

   If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.

   For the record, you'll need a turntable needle.

   it just me or does orange juice taste funny without vodka?

   I wish mosquitos sucked fat instead of blood.

   A man goes into a library and ask for a book on suicide....The librarian replies "F*ck off! you wont bring it back!"

   Wishes some people were like Etch-A-Sketch's.. when you shake the sh*t out of them they disappear.

   So I'm giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)

   She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found 'mute' by now.