Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?

   Don't act like you never waddled across the room to get a fresh roll of toilet paper with your pants around your ankles.

   I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or anything, but this is the fifth end of the world I've survived

   Why is it when I go to McDonalds they ask if I want ketchup and they give me one packet for for my large fries. I go to Taco Bell they ask if I want hot sauce and I get sixteen packets for two tacos.

   Did any bad guy in Scooby Doo actually commit a crime? I'm pretty sure wearing a silly mask and scaring people isn't illegal.

   just cut in front of a guy wearing camoflage waiting in a long line and when he said something about it... I told him I didn't see him.

   I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.

   Time for some nighttime sniffling sneezing coughing aching stuffy head fever I can't feel my lips I think I just peed the bed medicine.

   Some people, even in photos, just look like they'll smell.

   if I had to comment your status with "What happened?" and you reply "I don't even want to talk about it...", do you think maybe you should have kept it to yourself?

   My girlfriend's ex walked over to me the other day and asked… "So how does it feel enjoying 2nd hand goods?" I said, "Doesn't bother me, actually once you get past the 1st 3 inches, the rest is all brand new."

   This one isnt that funny, keep scrolling.

   Why do I need scissors to open a pack of scissors? The whole point of buying scissors is that I don't f*cking have any!

   I've been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.

   May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.

   Going to hang out at Wal-Mart for a bit so I can feel better about myself.

   Husband & wife were watching TV about psychology & mixed emotions, he turned to his wife & said, That's a bunch of crap! I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy & sad at the same time. She said, you have the biggest penis of all ur friend

   My friend asked me today what the name of the show is where they go fishing and catch all the crabs..I said "Jersey Shore"...Was I wrong?

   "Mommy! There's a monster under my bed!" "That's silly. There's no mOH GOD! IT'S TEARING MY ARM! Kidding. He only eats kids. Goodnight."

   Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.