Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So who is the bitter old man who started these damn "she's to young for you bro" crap? So she didn't like you, "Bitter party of one?...Bitter party of one......"

   My girlfriend asked me for another word for incorrect. Of course, my answer was wrong.

   The philosopher has never killed any priests, whereas the priest has killed a great many philosophers.

   Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat

   if there's a camera flash in the picture, she's prolly too ugly for you bro!

   Whenever a person uses "then" instead of "than" on Facebook, an angel drop kicks a puppy.

   Just to be sure, I write "That's You!" on all my mirrors

   Somewhere out there, someone's grandma's recipe for dill bread reads ".. allow dill dough to rise".

   God-damnit, you are giving me attitude, stress, grief, heartache and you are not even my girlfriend.

   JERSEY SNORE. And No! That's not a typo ;)

   What's the difference between a Catholic mother and a Jewish mother? A Catholic mother says "If you don't eat this, I'll kill you.", a Jewish mother says "If you don't eat this, I'll kill myself.".

   Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else You are the one who gets burned” –Buddha

   looking forward to showering with his brand-new "William-and-Kate-Royal-Wedding-Marketing-Hype-Souvenir-Soap-on-a-Rope".

   Dear Airlines,,, We never REALLY tirned our phones off anyhow...................Signed,, EVERYONE

   Obama leaned in, pointed to German Chancellor Angela Merkel, and murmured, "I tapped that." #NSA

   It's always awkward ending phone calls with people you love. I always say, "I love you" and they're like "Thank you for choosing Domino's Pizza."

   I feel bad for Arab Americans that truely want to get into crop dusting.\

   When I'm bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.

   my neighbor stopped me while I was mowing to brag about his new mower, I said thats nice and all but I still have a bigger deck. ..

   Everyone keeps complaining about the extreme cold weather, do you know what it does to the bugs that torment you in the summer?