Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How many exercise/workout videos does a person have to buy before seeing results?

   I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway.

   Skinny Jeans: For guys who took "I got in her pants" the wrong way...

   Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"

   I can't seem to find Funkytown on Google Maps.

   Whenever I get a friend request Facebook should allow me free access to their wall and pics regardless of privacy settings so I can see who I'm dealing with. Some of you are so creepy your profile pic might as well be a white panel van.

   Thanks to Jersey Shore, Crayola has a new color....Whorange.

   Glad my work doesn't do drug tests cause everyone would find out I'm a loser who doesn't party

   Birthdays then- 'Wow! Look at all these presents!' ... Birthdays now- 'Wow! Look at all these notifications!'

   "I thought I was swerving to avoid hitting a baby deer today, but it turned out to be a smart car with those stupid antlers on it!"

   The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I'm above average at something!!

   My therapist says I'm paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.

   if I was a cab driver I'd yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger

   Math question: There are 36 Oreos in a 14.3oz package. If Mike eats 3 of those cookies, how many minutes before he's like screw it and eats the rest?

   My neighbor put the box his new fridge came in on the curb this morning for recycling pickup. Guess who has a new fort.

   I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems

   So thankful my childhood was filled with imagination and bruises from playing outside. Instead of apps and how many likes you can get on a selfie.

   Can you even imagine how long the Carfax report is on the Batmobile

   PRO TIP: You can put a baseball card between the spokes on a Prius, and make it sound like a real car

   Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.